He said, "I really don't like her, and that upsets me. I'm to be loving, I know. What am I to do?" "You're loving, whether you like her or not," replied the Sage. "So, simply agree to love her. Drop wanting to like her. That's enough. All else will be taken care of. It's not your business to like anyone."
Love does not come and go. Like never remains, no matter how much it comes and goes.
*Brian K. Wilcox. "Meetings with an Anonymous Sage."
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With every thought we think we’re either adding to the solution or adding to the problem. Either our heart is opened or our heart is closed. There is a way to disagree, to set boundaries, even to oppose behavior that is intolerable, without withholding love. That is the message of Jesus. It is as radical today as it was two thousand years ago.
*Marianne Williamson. The Mystic Jesus: The Mind of Love.
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I am part of a Buddhist Sangha - a community of Buddhist practitioners. They are each spiritual brothers and sisters. We meet, share, and meditate. That does not mean I want to spend time outside Sangha with or that I have loving feelings toward all of them. A few of them I feel close to, others I do not. That does not mean rejecting anyone or being un-Buddha-like or unkind. Transpersonal love is beyond "I like" or "I don't like," or "I feel close to" or "I don't feel close to."
I was a Christian pastor, and I had some members whom I knew were toxic personalities. I did not spend time outside of Sunday worship with these persons unless my duties demanded that of me. I would provide spiritual care to these persons, which was my role, not be their friends or even like them. When I saw them, I treated them with respect.
Part of your and my spiritual practice is listening to the heart and what it says about others beyond their appearance (i.e., how they present themselves, appear). That "heart" Buddhists sometimes refer to as "Wisdom Mind."
The Wisdom Mind, our true self, can guide us to a space where we neither like nor dislike someone. This insight is a love space beyond how love is often understood, especially from a purely ego angle. There, we do not reject anyone but welcome everyone. This welcome, however, is not the same as, "Let's be friends" or "Let's meet for coffee."
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In the mid-sixties, at the old Sokoji temple on Bush Street in San Francisco, Shunryu Suzuki had concluded his lecture and asked for questions. A woman I didn't recognize raised her hand. She said she was looking for a teacher. She said she had gone to Joshu Sasaki in L.A. and that he had rejected her. She didn't understand why. Suzuki urged her to return to L.A., not to give up on Sasaki so quickly. She burst into tears and sobbed, "Now you reject me!"
"Oh no," said Suzuki, stepping toward her with his arms opening wide, the long sleeves of his robe hanging down like curtains, "I never reject anyone."
*Gaylon Ferguson. Welcoming Beginner's Mind: Zen and Tibetan Buddhist Wisdom on Experiencing Our True Nature.
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When I see excrement while walking, I do not want to smell it, step in it, put my hands in it, or welcome it into my living space. I was walking in the yard recently and stepped in some dung. I did my best to ensure it was all cleaned off my shoe before I entered the house. I wanted to leave it all somewhere else - outside. I was not hostile toward it or think it did not belong in this world.
Did I reject the dung? No, I did not. I removed it and left it separate from myself, where it belonged, in the yard. The excrement could not say, "How unkind of you! You didn't let me remain close to you."
Through spiritual practice, I finally - after decades - began to see the wisdom of dissociating myself from certain persons. I started to see how I had believed it was unkind to dissociate from people who wanted to be friends or too friendly.
Sometimes, people are harmful. Sometimes, being with us is not in their best interest, even if we intend no harm. To bring no harm means sometimes saying, "No, thanks."
Many of you, possibly, like I, have too often been unwisely vulnerable. We have exposed ourselves to needless harm, thinking we were being loving. Our intent was loving maybe, our actions unwise. We learn how to be wisely welcoming of others without being unwisely vulnerable. We come to see how welcome does not mean, "Hey! come on and sit at the kitchen table with me." We learn how to take care of ourselves amid the toxicity some persons bring into our presence or the group.
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Suzuki practiced wisdom that allowed insight into a love that can be close to or not, and love is still present. As we grow in Spirit, our understanding of love changes. In some sense, we become more open to others, yet more wisely. We grow to discern how not to reject anyone while not feeling obligated to please them by sharing our time with them.
Loving everyone does not mean hugging everyone, so to speak, or even wanting to be anywhere with them. Love is beyond what they want or what I want. We can be kind when we meet people without feeling that an acquaintance must become a friend or that a friend must become more than a friend.
That dung I cleaned off the bottom of my shoe belongs in the world - outside. I respect it for being what it is. It belongs... in its place. So, we learn the same with people. Spiritual practice entails not only loving others but doing so wisely, which means sometimes at a distance and sometimes up close. We unite compassion with insight, and compassion does not only include others; it includes being respectful and kind to ourselves.
